Flavor Bang No.2- The best chicken salad in the world!

When I was studying Korean at DLI in Monterey, the midpoint of the day was usually the highlight. Lunch. There really was no bad way to spend this time. You could eat at the chow hall and chat with friends, nap, catch up on homework, run nearby errands, or simply sit still and try to stop the stress-induced nosebleeds and eye-twitches brought on by studying an Asian language. My schoolhouse was located nearest the "good" gate, just off the 68 to Carmel. Just a stone's throw from the guardhouse was a place called Compagno's Market and Deli. I will resist the urge to gush Gush GUSH about their sandwiches, because I'm here to talk about chicken salad today. (But in the words of 30 Rock's Frank, "SUCH SANDWICHES!") I started out buying their smallest sized chicken salad (because my fat ass will eat more mayo and meat as a side dish to mayo and meat). Within a week, I was lying to the deli guy about "having friends" to hopefully justify buying their chicken salad so often by the quart. DON'T JUDGE ME!

Well, now I live in Chicago, and Compagno's seems like some near-forgotten halcyon dream over a year after leaving the Bay area. There is a market just west of Damen on North called W's Market (or something like that...) where I'll go to buy a late-night emergency pork chop and some tall-boys. As I passed their cold case one evening, I picked up a small dish of chicken salad. I'm impulsive like that. Of course, I dug in right when I got home, and OH MY GOD! Memories of Compagno's and Monterey came screaming back, like only a good cartoon acid trip could describe. I was soaring over mountains of chunky, seasoned chicken, weaving through a forest of green onion, and sailing an ocean of savory mayo on an almond sliver with only celery for an oar, all while red grapes rained down from a smiling sky.

It's that good. 10 perfect reviews out of 10 perfect reviews. (Same recipe for both places).

Hollywood Diner

I need to change the name of this blog to fuckyeahmontecristosandwiches because it's all I'm ever eating for the rest of my life. I was on my way home from a job interview (it went well, thanks) and Hollywood Diner was right in front of where I needed to change buses. I've been really into eating at diners of late, mostly because the waitresses call me nice names, like "dolly" or "sweetheart." Also, because it's like eating at Denny's, without having to lie about having just eaten a a Denny's. (Side note- Did you know that Denny's has a late-night menu that blatantly targets the stoned and inebriated, and that they have live rock music at select locations? Now you do. Get the Superbird).

Anyhoo, I was greeted by a guy who had to be the owner (neither working nor wearing a uniform tee) who pointed me to a booth and shout-asked from behind the counter if I wanted coffee. No thank you, it's hot out. The waitress came to take my order after I repeatedly slammed my menu shut to get her attention. "Ready to order, Dear?" she asked, in perfect grizzled diner waitress elocution, which I found pleasantly in-congruent with her severe chola hair and makeup combo. I ordered the Monte Cristo Deluxe (served with a cup of soup, crinkle fries, micro-cup of coleslaw, and pickle chips).

The soup. I had a choice of cream of chicken and rice, chili, or vegetable. I chose veggie, if you can believe it, and it was amazing. Little pasta rings (think Spaghetti-O's, but bigger), chunks of potato, carrots, corn, green pepper, green chili, and celery in a thick, flavorful tomato soup. Bonus points for shelling out for name-brand crackers. The generic Saltines never get the salt quite right....

Just as I took my last slurp of soup, my sandwich arrived. It was too hot to pick up, so I tried the fries and slaw first. Nothing special there. The crinkle-cut fries were hot and fresh (like my rhymes, guys) but pretty unexceptional. Could have been crispier, and I will say the same for my sandwich. But really, that would be my only complaint.

The sandwich is simple. Thick-sliced ham, melted swiss, grilled betwixt two slices of french toast. Now, I know there are different and much better Monte Cristos out there, but having been a virgin to this sandwich, it was the best I ever had. Thus, I'm afraid any critique would be baseless, though really, my only complaint was that the french toast slices weren't grilled or buttery enough, and were pretty soggy. (I will give them the benefit of the doubt, since I was wearing a Business Suit, and maybe they thought I had somewhere important to be (not so) and decided to expedite the cooking process.) Despite being a true lover of bacon, I always said that ham was too salty for my taste. In this context though, you want a salty ham, with salty swiss, because when you stuff 'em into some sweet, sweet french toast, the contrast is just amazingly pleasurable. I don't think I need to extol the virtues of the sweet/savory dynamic to you, dear friends. Like a good chocolate covered pretzel, spicy mango salsa, or caramel Bugles.
The Monte Cristo Deluxe gets an 8/10 Elvis-style hip-thrusts, plus a bonus wiggle for the great service and the fact that I can walk there if I'm feeling particularly motivated.

Side note- the picture above is my take-home box, so it's not as melty as it was when served. click to see the ham better!

Flavor Bang No.1

Sometimes when you're making an unexceptional lunch on a regular day, the stars just align and you end up with an amazing meal. Case in point- stir fry.

Here's what I did- made rice in a pot (salt and butter, y'all). Simmered asparagus and green onion until it was tender, then threw in some sliced pork. Add store-bought garlic-ginger marinade. (side note- or you could probably use soy sauce, sugar, garlic and ginger, maybe some sesame oil) and cook on high until the meat is cooked through and the sauce is reduced. But here's where the magic happens- At the last minute of cooking, beat an egg, pour it on top of everything, and toss it around for a bit. Then dump it all on top of the rice.

Here's how it tasted- Fucking amazing, that's what. It's not a pretty dish (hence no picture) but man, oh man. It's nothing extraordinary, but like I said, sometimes the gods just smile upon you and you wind up with some tasty fuckin' shit.

Shaw's Crab House

A classy and classic Chicago joint. It's super-pricey, and the only reason we went there (twice!) was that one of my Scratchers tickets (Tangerine Madness, or something like that) paid off big time. (Seventy-five bones!) Smokers- on your daily trip to the Qwik-E-Mart, shell out the extra buck for a ticket to compliment your pack of smokes. You know smoking is "bad" and are already paying through the nose for a pack, so why the fuck not just make your purchase an even ten? I recommend- The brightest neon card, or something with a monkey, where the monkey is reaching for a bundle of bananas.

After arguing over who got to sit on the "booth" side of the table, my sister and I reached a mature compromise of sitting side by side. We look too much alike to be dating, anyway (and we could easily pretend that our imaginary male counterparts across the table were on an extended bathroom break). We perused the menu of standard-but-time-tested-awesome seafood and steak dishes, and placed our order. Scotch neat, please! I started with oysters Rockefeller and Erica got...I forget. (Who cares, right?) I am pleased to report that my oysters were perfectly proportioned- it wasn't just a bag of spinach on top of a tiny oyster. This thing was plump and savory, just like "what she said." I'm sure Erica's appetizer was whateverthefuck.

Then the main course- Alaskan King Crab. Lemon juice on bloody fingertips never tasted so good. Let's put on our "adult hats" for a minute, k? We were able to pull the meat out in one thick piece. It was tender and sweet, and definitely not overcooked. The meat at the knuckle (or lump, or whatever) was briny and not mushy like at lesser crab establishments. (Only eat your crabs at houses, huts, and shacks, but never at a shanty, hovel, or truck. Thank me later).

The waiter asked us if we were celebrating anything that evening (waiter code for "who wants free dessert?!?") so of course we made something up. Both times. We received a dessert sampler consisting of classics like cheesecake, creme brulee, key lime pie, and flourless chocolate torte. The plate said "Congratulations!" the first time, and "Happy Anniversary" the second, only because I suspect they were out of plates that said "Bullshit."

We had a great time. Shaw's Crab House gets 6 out of 7 crab claw shells. With a buttery shout-out to the Chicago lottery.

Midnight Snack

A top-secret blend of fiery Cajun spices on a blackened chicken breast, and obscene amount of crispy bacon, pepperjack cheese, avocado, lettuce, tomato, red onion, a dot of dijon mustard, on toasted dark rye. Serve with whiskey at midnight.

Fallen Heroes

As a child, one of the best moments in cartoon watching came when all the characters teamed up for an episode about not doing drugs. Ninja Turtles, Garfield and Friends, He-Man and She-Ra, GI Joe- all working together was never a bad episode.

Now look at this fucking thing.

My favorite foods, my heroes, joined together in a much hyped mega-sandwich. How could fried chicken, bacon and cheese be such a let down? I mean, look at it. LOOK AT IT! Slimy, glued on breading; flaccid, pepperless pepperjack cheese; "two" dead strips of bacon. Those assholes couldn't even deliver the promised amount of bacon. BROKEN PROMISES!! It's clearly one strip ripped in half. (Harkening back to the KFC Snacker, where they couldn't give you one crispy strip. Yep, just one ripped in half, which is why I imagine they try to sell them in pairs).

As for the flavor, I was expecting crispy, greasy, salty, and creamy melty cheese. It was two chicken breasts stuffed and surrounded by flavorless mush. (The "Colonel Sauce" was okay, whatever it is). One unforeseen obstacle in eating this thing- chewing. Prepare to chew long and hard. My suggestion? Make your own. KFC Double down receives one star ripped in half out of two stars.

In case I don't answer my phone, try http://www.whatthefuckshouldimakefordinner.com/index.php

Flash Taco- lies somewhere between the hip taco place with no Mexicans and the Mexican place that also sells cheeseburgers. This is the closest I've come to that "back home in Tucson" feeling and it is a comfort to know I can get drunk and eat tacos somewhere else now. The service is quick and impersonal, but not rude, and you can enjoy some blazing-hot Latin hits on the big screen TVs above the menu while you wait. As for the food, it's just what I expected from the place- crispy and a lot. Pictured here is the Three Taco Dinner (which I ate for lunch because I don't follow the rules). The chicken was bland- nothing at this place is spicy! It came with two "meh" salsas, refried beans, and some undercooked rice. Not bad for seven bucks, though.
I give it 3/5 for the daytime, and 4.5/5 around last call.
Oh, and there's an abandoned hot dog cart in the ladies bathroom that I can't figure out how they got through the door.

Welcome to Mouth Fancy

Welcome to Mouth Fancy. A blog for people curious about the foods I have eaten today. (Sandwiches and jello). Contrary to the name, this blog ain't gonna be fancy 'n shit, because I am unemployed and shouldn't be going out to eat in the first place (probably shouldn't be buying lottery tickets either, but...) Therefore, I might just write about the neighborhood bums, or that I miss my dog, or why I think there are people living in my walls. Feel free to begin a betting pool over how soon I will forget my password, or that I ever started a blog. K, Byeee.