Shaw's Crab House

A classy and classic Chicago joint. It's super-pricey, and the only reason we went there (twice!) was that one of my Scratchers tickets (Tangerine Madness, or something like that) paid off big time. (Seventy-five bones!) Smokers- on your daily trip to the Qwik-E-Mart, shell out the extra buck for a ticket to compliment your pack of smokes. You know smoking is "bad" and are already paying through the nose for a pack, so why the fuck not just make your purchase an even ten? I recommend- The brightest neon card, or something with a monkey, where the monkey is reaching for a bundle of bananas.

After arguing over who got to sit on the "booth" side of the table, my sister and I reached a mature compromise of sitting side by side. We look too much alike to be dating, anyway (and we could easily pretend that our imaginary male counterparts across the table were on an extended bathroom break). We perused the menu of standard-but-time-tested-awesome seafood and steak dishes, and placed our order. Scotch neat, please! I started with oysters Rockefeller and Erica got...I forget. (Who cares, right?) I am pleased to report that my oysters were perfectly proportioned- it wasn't just a bag of spinach on top of a tiny oyster. This thing was plump and savory, just like "what she said." I'm sure Erica's appetizer was whateverthefuck.

Then the main course- Alaskan King Crab. Lemon juice on bloody fingertips never tasted so good. Let's put on our "adult hats" for a minute, k? We were able to pull the meat out in one thick piece. It was tender and sweet, and definitely not overcooked. The meat at the knuckle (or lump, or whatever) was briny and not mushy like at lesser crab establishments. (Only eat your crabs at houses, huts, and shacks, but never at a shanty, hovel, or truck. Thank me later).

The waiter asked us if we were celebrating anything that evening (waiter code for "who wants free dessert?!?") so of course we made something up. Both times. We received a dessert sampler consisting of classics like cheesecake, creme brulee, key lime pie, and flourless chocolate torte. The plate said "Congratulations!" the first time, and "Happy Anniversary" the second, only because I suspect they were out of plates that said "Bullshit."

We had a great time. Shaw's Crab House gets 6 out of 7 crab claw shells. With a buttery shout-out to the Chicago lottery.